For many private (independent) counselors, one of the challenges of the job is that, depending on where and with whom you work, you can be both literally and figuratively on your own. You may not have coworkers. You may not have accessible mentors to emulate. You may not have a manager who can give you feedback and help you progress in your work. So no matter how good your intentions, it’s natural to wonder occasionally whether or not you’re doing things the correct, ethical, and professionally-approved way.

The best private counselors take many different steps to address those gaps. But a good place to start is to get familiar with—and follow—NACAC’s Statement of Principles of Good Practice (SPGP), as Patrick O’Connor advises here.

There is no universally accepted operations manual detailing how to respond to every situation you’ll face with students, parents, high schools, and colleges. This is a complex job, especially when it comes to ethical considerations and managing the relations between all of those aforementioned parties. But following the SPGP will help you avoid doing anything that would tarnish your professional reputation. It will show you the standards by which the best counselors measure themselves. And most importantly, it will help you make sure that you always put the interest of the most important constituency—the students—first.

When I would brainstorm college essays with Collegewise students and they would discuss something that they were involved in—from an after-school club, to a part-time job, to a hobby—I’d ask, “What’s a really good day look like when you’re doing that?”

• What’s a really good day when you’re working those problem sets with the math club?
• What’s a really good day at your part-time job?
• What’s a really good day when you’re restoring that jeep with your dad?

I liked that question because it got a positive reaction just about every time I asked. The student would smile, get more animated, and start enthusiastically describing the little details that make those stories come alive.

We’d spend all this time trying to figure out a proof, and then there’s that moment when you realize you’re pretty close. You get all excited again and you just have to keep going at that point.  When we realize that we’re gonna get there, that’s actually the best part.

One day last month it felt like I was just in the zone at work. Every customer I talked with ended up buying something. And at the end of my shift, my boss pulled me aside and said that I’d outsold everyone in the store that day. I’d never done that before. I don’t think I’d ever even been close. I actually had a lot to say that night when my parents asked me how my day was.

There are some days out there in the garage when my dad kind of stops being, I don’t know, like a dad. He tells me stories about his college days. He curses really dirty words when he can’t find the oil leak. One time he even let me share a beer with him out there as long as I didn’t tell my mom. My dad doesn’t usually loosen up like that. Those are pretty cool days.

Asking “What’s a really good day?” helps the student describe what can be really rewarding for them about the experience, something beyond the clichéd responses about learning valuable lessons.

But here’s a way you can use that question for yourself. “What’s a really good day?” helps you zero in on the high points of an activity.

Students, parents, counselors—we’ve all got certain required responsibilities that we’d just as soon not take on. And even within those things we choose to do, we’re all susceptible to occasional bouts of burnout.

When you feel that motivation flagging a bit, think back to a really good day in the same role. What made that day so enjoyable and memorable? And even more importantly, how can you repeat it and spend more time doing whatever it was that made you happy?

Depending on what you’re facing, the best way to put an end to a stretch of bad days might just be to look back and find a few of the good ones.

I make this reminder annually because I believe it’s important enough to repeat—seniors, as you make your final college decisions, please take the time to properly thank the people who helped you get there.

• Your high school counselor.
• Anyone who wrote your letters of recommendation.
• The college rep who interviewed you.
• Your parents.
• Your English teacher for reviewing your essays.
• Anyone else who reviewed your essays as a favor to you (though I’m hoping you didn’t shop them around to too many people).
• Your older friend or sibling who shared some college wisdom.
• The teacher who took time after school to help you improve your grade.
• And anyone who helped, advised, encouraged, supported, or otherwise took an interest in your college journey.

I know you’re busy. And you deserve to leave all the college prep worries behind. But good things happen to good kids. And thanking people who deserve it is something that good kids do.

In many high school student and parent circles, the college application process is like a movie made up of equal parts thriller and suspense, but with varying climactic endings ranging from tragedy to triumph. From the senior families who’ve been participating to the underclassmen who’ve been spectating, all this drama just reinforces the message that this is a high-stakes process, one that merits the high anxiety it produces.

But watch how quickly life is about to return to normalcy.

May 1 is approaching, the date by which all seniors must commit to one of the colleges that accepted them. And while there will be exceptions for students placed on waitlists (note to those families, do not forget that you still need to accept an offer of admission by May 1), all of that drama will soon subside. The dinner (and dinner party) conversations about admissions, the hypothesizing of why who got in where, the celebrating and the wound licking–nearly all of it will subside. There’s nothing left to predict, reveal, assess, or explain. Everyone knows the ending. And for most students who have at least one college to choose from, it’s ultimately a happy one.

The truth is that the college admissions process is more romantic comedy than it is high-drama. You may not necessarily know at the beginning where the protagonist will find love, but you can be pretty sure that by the end, he or she will find it with someone and live happily ever after. It may not feel that way now. But trust me, if you’re open to it, this will eventually be your feel good movie of the year.

For families who will soon be starting this movie, remember how it’s likely to end. Remove unnecessary drama and inject some normalcy throughout if you really want to enjoy this flick.

Yesterday’s entry on the University of Virginia’s admissions blog, When the Trophy Generation Applies to College, relates a recent conversation with a waitlisted applicant’s mother who is having trouble eating and sleeping because her son still hasn’t received any good news. Turns out that he has, in fact, received good admissions news—just not any from “elite schools.”

Setting aside that she’s not only calling the school for her son (not recommended), but also seemingly forgetting that this is all happening to him, not to her, the conversation encapsulates how so many families are approaching this process in a way that piles on the pressure with maximum risk of disappointment.

Is all of his hard work and effort for naught just because the schools that deny almost all of their applicants said no?

Why can’t the family celebrate the schools that said yes?

Will he be doomed to a substandard life unless he comes off UVA’s waitlist?

I understand that it’s frequently the kids, not the parents, who set their own goals of attending a highly selective college. Many parents who react like she is reacting are disappointed for, not with, their kids.

But parents, please remember that in spite of your kids’ actions that might often reflect the contrary, you still have an enormous influence on them during the high school years, and there is a fine line between supporting and endorsing their goals to attend prestigious colleges.

If you’d like more specific advice on just how to do that, here are a few past posts:

One with a suggested pledge parents can make to college-bound kids.

Another on how to praise kids effectively.

And finally, one on the value of parent-introduced long-term perspective.

We can debate the pros and cons of raising a trophy generation where everyone gets a prize. But the opportunity to go to college at all is one occasion when every hardworking kid deserves points just for participating.

There are two categories of college-planning decisions families need to make throughout high school–those that are likely to impact the admissions outcomes, and those that will not. The families who have the most success with—and enjoyment during—the process are very good at distinguishing between the two.

Which standardized tests will you take? Will you enroll in AP English? How will you address your struggles in your biology class? These decisions are likely to impact your admissibility to particular colleges. That doesn’t mean the answers are necessarily obvious—it just means that it’s worth investing the energy to find the right answer. Visit the websites of the colleges that interest you. Talk to your counselor. Ask a rep at a college fair. Go to the sources, ask questions, and find the information you need to make an informed choice.

But will you play tennis or join the jazz band? Will you spend your summer visiting your relatives or working a part-time job? Will you write your essay about your experience getting your black belt in karate or about your math club’s adventures in problem sets?

Yes, those decisions are important because they involve you. You want to enjoy your activities, have a good summer, and write a college essay you’re proud of. But none of those queries in isolation are likely to change the outcome. Get involved in the activity you think you’ll enjoy the most. Try to spend your summer in a way that makes you happy and productive. Write your college essay about what you want to write, not about what you think the colleges want to hear from you. The chosen path will not be the factor that pushes you towards the yes or the no pile.

Families who agonize over every decision usually do it because they have good intentions and they’re afraid of potential future regret. They don’t want to make a college-planning decision in 10th grade and find out two years later their student is inadmissible to her dream college because of it. But I honestly cannot recall a single instance where a family I’ve met had good intentions and still managed to make one college-planning decision that was legitimately regrettable in perpetuity.

The information you need to distinguish between decisions that will impact the admissions outcome and those that will not is readily available. Do the colleges’ websites mention a requirement or strong preference? Does your high school counselor have a clear recommendation? If yes, then it’s important, and you should treat it as such.

But if a college doesn’t express a preference for your choice, and if your high school counselor advises that there’s no right answer and that you should worry less about making a mistake, take that as a trusted sign that whatever decision you’re facing is not the kind that carries potential admissions regret.

After I’d penned yesterday’s post about certainty in reverse, I heard from a former student who’s living proof of that concept. Here’s her story, shared with her permission.

Jessie was a student of mine in the class of 2006. She was the consummate good kid–smart, nice, and likeable, not at the top of her class, but certainly an earnest worker. A self-described artsy kid. Here’s a snippet from her college essay:

Ever since I can remember, I’ve loved experimenting with art. I’ll pick up whatever is laying around my room and try to see what I can make with it. I’ve gone through the “painting with nail polish” phase to covering my wall with all black and white sharpie drawings. I’ll draw a beautiful sunset one day and create an abstract mess of colors the next. I even incorporate art into my non-art assignments. When I turn in an essay, I create a cover page with my own drawing. When I do an in-class presentation, I make a movie. I love expression. It’s what makes everyone an individual, and I want to express myself to the max.

Jessie applied to a range of colleges where she could study art. But she also decided to take a shot at the newly launched and already highly competitive film school at Chapman University.

And she got in.

In fact, Jessie ended up with a great problem—she was admitted to two reach schools that happened to be the colleges she most wanted to attend: Chapman, and Lewis and Clark in Portland. I was sure she was going to happily head to the Pacific Northwest, as Lewis and Clark seemed like the perfect fit.

But Jessie was leaning towards Chapman since she’d received the good news. I remember her mother had some concerns that film school might be too narrow for her, that Jessie might end up missing out on the opportunity to really explore her other artistic interests. But Jessie was mature. She’d always been engaged in her college process. She’d earned the trust to make that decision on her own. And kudos to Jamie’s parents, they let their daughter decide where to spend the next four years. Off to Chapman Film School she went.

Here we are, ten years later. Since graduating from Chapman in 2010, Jessie has built up a staggering portfolio of paid projects, from website design for entities ranging from private chefs to large real estate companies, to documentary films about humanitarian efforts in Ecuador and Cambodia, to her own photography that she sells on the internet. In fact, she is now the proud owner of her own successful Los Angeles-based design studio, JBH Design and Film.

This summer will be a big one for Jessie. She’s getting married to “an amazing guy.” And yes, they met at Chapman Film School.

I think Jessie’s story here is applicable for seniors who are struggling with their college decisions, underclassmen who are nervous about getting into the most famous colleges, and parents who feel the need to manage the process for their kids.

Smart, nice kids who are engaged in their college process, especially those with supportive parents who trust their kids to direct their own futures, almost always end up OK no matter where they go to college.

Do I, and the other counselors at Collegewise, also have stories about kids where things didn’t work out at their colleges? Yes, we do. Some kids change their minds once they get to college. Some decide that what they thought they wanted at age 18 doesn’t hold up at age 20, and they transfer schools. But they account for a tiny percentage of the 8,000 kids we’ve helped. That’s not a plug for Collegewise. That’s a plug for letting kids find their own way.

Jessie and her family didn’t try to draw a straight line to connect her interests in high school, the college she would attend, and her future career. That might be a good strategy for some kids, especially those who are going to college for the purpose of pursuing a specific career they’re already certain about. But for many more, college is the place where they explore their interests, develop or discover their talents, and have those experiences that can’t be described on the websites or predicted when signing the paperwork.

Would things have worked out if Jessie had gone to Lewis and Clark? Probably—it’s about what you do while in college, after all.

But she wouldn’t have the life—or the fiancé—that she loves today. And Chapman was clearly a big part of that. Even a kid as artistic as Jessie could never have drawn that up.

Students, trust yourselves. Parents, trust your kids. And everybody, trust the process. We’ve got over 2,000 colleges in this country. Students who care enough to find the right ones, who are trusted enough to make the choice, and who are dedicated enough to make the most of their time there are stacking their future deck in their favor.

With summer approaching, many students are considering summer programs, jobs, and other commitments, often with the intent of impressing colleges. As you consider an activity, here’s an initial litmus test that can help you decide if you’re on the right path.

If you could never mention this activity to a college, would you still do it?

When I think back on Collegewise students who not only raved about their summers, but also enjoyed very successful college admissions processes, I remember the students who chose summer activities that they wanted to do. The college admissions merit fell somewhere between a secondary consideration and a non-factor.

A part-time job at a hamburger stand. Civil War history classes at a community college. Soccer camp. Sport fishing, making clay pots, and yes, even attending an expensive summer program (which is certainly not necessary)—those are all real examples of Collegewise kids’ summer activities that they chose because they actually wanted to do them. And all of those students got into colleges they were excited about.

The best summer advice? Enjoy yourself. See your friends. Do things that make you happy. Productive and motivated students don’t turn those traits off based on the season. Colleges would like to see you direct those traits someplace. But that place is up to you.

If you’d like some more summer guidance, stay tuned for our updated Collegewise Guide to Summer Planning, which will be available in the next few weeks.

When trying to calculate a potential return on their college investment, many families treat the decision as if they will be silent partners with their college, as if their involvement will be limited to providing capital, not one with an opportunity to participate in the daily operations or management.

But college doesn’t have to be that way.

Once the college investment is made, the student is given the opportunity to influence or even direct what happens next. What to major in, what classes to take, which activities to participate in, what to do during the summers, which resources to take advantage of, who to ask for help—that’s all within the student’s control. There is no board of directors making those decisions for you. Going to college is like getting to pick which company to work for, which job you take, what your responsibilities will be, how many hours you work, etc.

Sure, not every college offers you the same variety of choices and freedom. Like any investment, it’s important to carefully consider which recipient most aligns with your goals and vision.

But students, you get to make a decision. Will you leverage all the newfound influence to make the most of your family’s collegiate investment? Will you make use of the resources your college will serve up? Will you seek out opportunities for learning and growth that are available to you? And most importantly, will you make it your four-year mission to carve out a remarkable college career?

Or will you be a passive participant who sits back and hopes for the best?

You won’t have to be a silent partner unless you choose to be.

Some of the best things you’ll get out of college aren’t listed on the websites. And they’re certainly not included when determining the US News rankings.

You’ll probably make some great friends (most people do). Maybe you and those new friends will decide to try living together as roommates. Maybe that’ll work out even better than you expected and you’ll keep living together throughout college. Maybe you’ll get close enough that you stay in touch after graduation. Maybe you’ll go to each other’s weddings. And maybe more than a decade after you walked across the stage at graduation, you’ll gather for a weekend to catch up, to relive old times, and to celebrate some new milestones together. (My wife and son are second from the left; Collegewiser Katie Konrad Moore and her daughter are third from the left.)

My guess is that what they love most about where they went to college is encapsulated in that picture. And none of it was predictable when they were seniors in high school making that choice.

For seniors who are choosing your colleges this month, some of you might be disappointed about schools that didn’t say yes. Some of you might be uncertain about your current choices. But rest assured, the disappointment fades. And the uncertainty is where the best parts of college are waiting for you.