Private counselors: Are you worth the wait?

Super chef David Chang runs Momofuku, a group of 13 worldwide restaurants, as well as a bakery and a bar. In the early stages of his first restaurant, he created a pork bun dish that was such a hit with diners, the word spread and people began lining up to get inside—just to get a taste. That’s when Chang found his personal yardstick for a dish—is it good enough to travel downtown and wait in line for? You can read the entire story here.

Chang admits that you can’t always predict which dish will be the hit. In fact, some dishes he’s spent months perfecting never generated a line at the restaurant. Others he whipped up in just fifteen minutes proved worth the necessary wait. The customer decides what’s line-worthy. But the chef decides what the goal is.

If you’re a private counselor wondering how to find more clients, instead of redesigning your website or buying ads or spamming lists in the hopes that people will find you, think about how you can be good enough to get people to drive across town to wait in line for. If you’re that good, you won’t have a marketing problem. Your next customer will be outside waiting in line.

Remember, you don’t have to be line-worthy to everyone in town (Chang’s pork buns weren’t worth waiting in line for if you didn’t eat pork). Maybe people drive across town to see you because you’re the person whose interactions make their C student excited about college? Maybe you get better essays out of kids than anyone else nearby? Maybe you know more about colleges where homeschooled kids can flourish than any local competitors do? The fastest way to become the best in the world is to make the world smaller.

Once you can offer what they’ll drive across town and stand in line to get, you can stop worrying about finding more clients and start proving to those already in line why you’re worth the wait.

How counselors can help the kids who need it most

One of the many reasons I come back to high school counselor extraordinaire Patrick O’Connor’s regular advice columns for counselors is because he reminds his readers that while the over-scheduled but well-resourced student population has their struggles, they’re not the only kids we need to be worrying about. And in fact, there are students whose home lives are so untenable that a summer without school isn’t a relief, but a seasonal suspension of their safe place to go. And once again, O’Connor comes through with great advice for counselors on the front lines with these students in his latest piece, “Summer Help for the Kids Who Need it Most.”

Silence = space for learning

One of Michael Bungay Stanier’s recommended strategies described in his book “The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever is so simple that anyone can do it. And it can lead to more enlightening conversations with those in your charge, whether you’re a parent, a counselor, or a manager.

Get comfortable with silence.

Stanier’s book recommends seven essential questions for those you are coaching or leading. But in order for the responses to lead to better coaching for you and better learning for them, you need to give them time to formulate their answers. If a question is followed by even 3-4 seconds of silence, many people—and I’m one of them—feel compelled to fill that void by rephrasing, clarifying, or outright starting over with a new question. Instead, just do this (Stanier describes this in the first person, as if you’re reminding yourself how to handle these scenarios):

“When I’ve asked a question and she doesn’t have an answer ready in the first two seconds, instead of filling up the space with another question or the same question just asked a new way or a suggestion or just pointless words, I will take a breath, stay open and keep quiet for another three seconds.”

Stanier argues that it’s during these silences, when people are considering their answers, that they are forming new neural pathways and increasing both their potential and capacity.

Sometimes the best way to create space for learning is to stop giving advice and start listening.

When time to grow is time to go

Patrick O’Connor wrote this post for counselors who are advising underclassmen on their high school plans for next year. But I think parents and kids would be well-served to know how one of the best high school counselors in the business advises colleagues to answer a student who asks a question like the one below in bold.

Do I have to keep up the trombone? This is also the time when students start to evaluate their electives and their extracurricular activities. The cool activity they just couldn’t live without in middle school has lost its shine, but they’ve heard colleges really like to see commitment to some core extracurriculars. They turn to you to know if they have to be miserable for the next two years, or if they get their life back. No pressure here.

In many ways, this is the same situation as giving up French. Colleges do like to see students commit to a few core activities and grow in them (by becoming part of an award-winning robotics team, or getting a promotion at work), but it’s unlikely a student will rise to new levels of leadership if their heart just isn’t into it. Junior year is no time to join seven new clubs—the colleges will see right through that—but if it’s time to grow, it’s time to go.”

When the question isn’t the question

Counselors, many of the questions students and parents pose to you aren’t questions at all. They’re actually introductions. The real questions still need to be uncovered.

Should I prep for the ACT this summer?

I heard that applying early decision increases your chances of getting in. Is that true?

I can’t take AP Bio and the art class at the same time. I should take AP Bio, right?

Wouldn’t it be better to choose UCLA over Colorado College if I want to be a doctor?

Our son needs personal attention. Can you recommend some smaller schools?

They seem straightforward. In fact, they could technically be answered with a simple yes or no. But experienced counselors know that giving a simple answer won’t satisfy the seeker. Instead, veterans will come back with a question of their own.

        Is the ACT the best test for you to take?

How do you feel about  committing to one school?

Do you enjoy your science classes?

A doctor? Good for you. Are you certain that’s your future career path?

Sure, I can suggest some schools. Can you tell me more about what kind of personal attention is most helpful?

Follow a question with a question, and you’ll get one step closer to finding the best answer to give.

8 questions for managers (plus counselors, parents, and students)

Claire Lew’s latest piece, The 8 best questions to ask during a one-on-one meeting, is designed (and perfect) for managers to ask of an employee. But some versions of these questions might be helpful for counselors to ask their students, for parents to ask their kids, and even for kids to ask themselves.

That third suggestion might seem strange, but students, imagine if you regularly considered—and honestly answered—questions like:

How’s life?

What am I worried about right now?

What are my biggest time-wasters?

Would I like more or less direction from my parents or my counselor?

Are there any decisions I’m hung up on?

Wouldn’t you be in a much better position to work towards answers that would make you happier, more successful, and less stressed?

Should learning embrace kids’ mistakes?

The Greater Good Science Center based at UC Berkeley sponsors scientific research into social and emotional well-being, and helps educators, families, and leaders apply the findings to their own lives. Their recent piece, Why We Should Embrace Mistakes in School, shares some compelling findings showing that the best way to set students up for long-term learning and success is not to praise their ability to get the right answer, but to acknowledge and even praise their mistakes along the way.

The notion of somehow rewarding failure can be difficult for many parents and students to embrace, especially when you’re immersed in a college-bound culture that often feels like anything short of perfection somehow falls short.

But if you read the findings with an open mind, you’ll see that the recommendations actually help raise—not lower—expectations, aspirations, and potential. And when kids learn to see the value in the effort over the outcome, they’re better prepared to attack scenarios that don’t have a right answer, and better positioned for a world where there is no such thing as straight A’s in life.

Make it a little better

There’s a lot of wisdom in this pithy passage from one of my favorite management books:

“When you enter your place of work, you never leave it at zero. You either make it a little better or a little worse. Make it a little better.”

It also applies when you swap “place of work” with school, classroom, rehearsal, dinner with your family, etc.

Private counselors: Are you a “mandated reporter”?

Private counselors, have you ever wondered if you’re considered a “mandated reporter”? It’s a question that’s come up frequently at Collegewise, one that I thought I’d answer here for others in our private counseling profession.

Mandated reporters are required by law to report “child maltreatment” to the proper authorities, usually the police or Child Protective Services. The circumstances under which a reporter must file a report depend on the particular state, but the Department of Health and Human Services defines two reporting standards: (1) “The reporter, in his or her official capacity, suspects or has reasons to believe that a child has been abused or neglected; and (2) the reporter has knowledge of, or observes a child being subjected to, conditions that would reasonably result in harm to the child.”

As of the writing of this post, 48 states designate professions whose members are considered mandated reporters, typically those that involve frequent contact with children—teachers, social workers, mental health professionals, child care providers, health care workers, etc. But 16 of those states broaden their mandating reporting responsibilities to include any person who suspects child maltreatment. And two states—New Jersey and Wyoming—don’t name professions at all and simply require any person with reasonable suspicion to report.

Given that state laws can change, I’d strongly encourage any private counselor to review the mandatory reporting laws for your state. Just Googling your state and “mandatory reporting” will likely get you what you’re looking for within the top five results.

I’ve learned when discussing this with some of our Collegewise counselors that dedicated professionals are sometimes uncomfortable if they learn their state does not designate them as mandated reporters. If you research your state laws and find yourself feeling the same way, here’s where that discomfort may be coming from. It can be easier to tell a student who’s revealed something uncomfortable to you, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have a choice—I have to report this because it’s the law,” than it is to say, “I’m sorry, but I’m worried about you and I have to report this because I want you to be safe even if it means you’re mad at me.” The law gives mandated reporters some nice cover in those scenarios.

But whatever your state laws dictate your legal responsibilities to be, most responsible adult professionals who work with kids don’t need a state law to tell them that they should contact the authorities if they have reason to believe that laws are being broken and an underage minor is being abused or whose safety is being put in serious jeopardy. Our policy is to behave like mandated reporters even if our particular states don’t put us in that category. Obey the law, and your conscience. It’s what your students deserve.