High school all over again

I’ve noticed that what sometimes may appear to be parents putting pressure on their kids—to achieve, to excel, to get admitted to famous colleges, etc.—is actually secondhand pressure. It’s pressure parents are feeling themselves that drifts downward to their kids.

All the messaging kids hear directly and indirectly about how important it is to get good grades, score well on standardized tests, thrive in extracurricular activities, etc. exists in parent form, too.

“Getting into college is so stressful and complex. Parents better seek out—and often pay for—all the latest information and advice!”

“A student’s future is too important to leave to chance. Parents better assume the role of ‘manager’ and make all the decisions for their kids.”

“Other parents are making college prep a top priority. You’re letting your kids down if you don’t join the race, too.”

Peer pressure, status competitions, the desire to belong—adults who thought they’d left their teen troubles behind back in high school re-experience them all over again, this time as parents of high school kids.

The good news is that the rule you heard back in high school that was hard to follow still applies—just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

Deciding what’s right for your family—and letting your kids decide what’s right for them—is a healthier and more productive approach than succumbing to high school pressure all over again.

There’s a FAFSA app for that

Students applying for financial aid this fall will have the option of using the newly released “FAFSA App,” available on both Apple (iOs) and Android devices. The full version will be available on October 1, 2018 to coincide with the release of the 2019-2020 FAFSA form. That’s mostly good news, but I’d also suggest using the app with appropriate caution.

The ability to fill out the FAFSA on a phone will likely increase the number of families who successfully complete the application, a statistic I hope will be especially notable for under-resourced students. You won’t get the financial aid you need to attend college if you don’t file the FAFSA, so anything that gets more students to apply is worth doing.

But much of how phones are used today is for distracted time-killing–scrolling, “liking” and “disliking,” consuming information while we wait for the bus or the restaurant table or the signal that our doctor is ready to see us—so, we need to make a mental switch when we use our phones for something important. If you complete your FAFSA on your phone, please make the switch. The app doesn’t change the fact that the FAFSA contains over 100 questions, which is even more than appear on your federal tax return. If you submit the form with incorrect information, you can correct it later. But that slows down the process, adds to your stress, and for some students, could make the difference between ultimately submitting an app and just throwing in the FAFSA towel.

Whether you complete the FAFSA on a desktop, a laptop, or the snazzy new app, please give the form the time and even more importantly the attention it deserves. There’s a reason you wouldn’t want to take the SAT in a loud room with the TV on and friends or family asking you questions while you crunched the numbers. Your FAFSA completion deserves the same quiet focus.

For some good insight and tips on how to best use the app, here’s a piece from The National College Access Network and another from the imitable Mark Kantrowitz.

Praise both strengths and effort

I always read the regular emails I signed up to receive from The Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley’s initiative driving scientific research into social and emotional well-being. While I’m always willing to hear the college admissions-related advice from someone who’s demonstrated real expertise around a topic, it’s nice to come across recommendations also backed by scientific research, like their latest share, “How to Support Your Kid at School Without Being a Helicopter Parent.” This passage particularly resonated with me:

“In everyday life, encourage your children to believe in their own strengths—whether around their behavior, a sport, creativity, or whatever else you see—by praising and valuing them yourself, particularly when they find school challenging. Perhaps even more importantly, notice and comment on their hard work when you see it. When children hear that solid effort leads to success, rather than getting the message that they should be smart and get good grades, they persist more. This helps them become more resilient when they suffer any setbacks in doing their schoolwork.”

If it were all just a lottery

Students, here’s a three-step process to add a little more joy to—and remove some stress from—your college admissions process.

1. Consider this question: If college admissions were nothing more than a lottery—no application or evaluation at all, just buy a ticket (limit one per applicant) to enter the lottery at any college that interests you, cross your fingers, and hope the luck-of-the-draw swings your way—what would you do differently? Really think about it. If the entire process were nothing more than just a random game of chance, what specific changes would you make in your life?

2. Make a list of the changes you identified in response to the question above.

3. Now, take a good hard look at each item on the list and ask yourself, “What is stopping me from making this change right now?” Answer as specifically as you can.

Sure, for many, you’ll probably have legit answers about what’s stopping you. You couldn’t make long-term resolutions to sleep until noon, refuse to do your homework, or play video games from dawn to dusk all day every day because those changes would probably prevent you from graduating high school, much less attending college.

But I’d wager you’ll have a hard time coming up will real, evidence-based answers preventing you from making every proposed change.

You have more control, more agency, more power to decide what you do and don’t do than you might think.

And even if only one item were legitimately doable, wouldn’t it be worth doing?

They ask for what they need

You don’t have to apply to the University of Virginia to benefit from this advice on their recent blog entry (bold emphasis theirs).

We ask for the things we know we need to make our decisions. If someone is telling you that UVA needs things that aren’t listed in our application instructions, they are mistaken.”

As the entry explains, unless you are applying to an arts program that specifically requests a portfolio, UVA does not want resumes, abstracts, writing portfolios, etc.

Seniors, as you prepare your college applications, don’t fall prey to the impulse to send more stuff. Instead, repeat this mantra for each college: “They ask for the things they know they need to make their decisions.”

Some will ask for more than others. But they’ll all be clear about what they need.

Collegewise advice on resumes for college apps

Resumes are tricky business when applying to college. Do you need one? If so, what should it look like? And if you do draft one, what’s the best way to use it? We’ve got answers to all these questions in an upcoming free webinar:

So Much Room for Activities: Putting Together Your Resume for College
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
5 p.m. – 6 p.m. PDT
No cost to attendees

You can register or get more information here. I hope you’ll join us.

Celebrate the certainties

If I could pick one practice that most robs the joy from what should be the exciting time of applying to college for a family, it’s conditional celebration. Celebrating if the SAT score breaks a certain (arbitrary) barrier. Celebrating if the semester grades reach a certain numerical GPA. Celebrating if the dream school says yes. Conditional celebration turns the entire process into a competition defined by winning and losing.

The fix? Celebrate the certain.

A student is certain to submit their first college application. Celebrate it.

A student is certain to submit their final college application. Celebrate it.

A student is certain to be admitted to at least one college (provided that student applies to at least one counselor-approved safety school). Celebrate it.

Just because something is certain to occur doesn’t make it any less deserving of a celebration. If it did, nobody would celebrate birthdays, Thanksgiving, or the arrival of summer break.

In some communities of students without the right resources and support, those outcomes may not be so certain. What a great reminder for everyone that successfully preparing for, applying to, and getting into any college is worthy of celebration, no matter what your dream school says.

Celebrating certainties along the path to college isn’t arbitrarily injecting faux merriment into the process. It’s acknowledging that a teenager is getting closer to a life-impacting four years along the path to adulthood, an outcome they’ve worked to earn.

High stakes, judgment, and uncertainty don’t exactly make for happy times. It’s no wonder so many families look back on the admissions process as one filled with anxiety and dread. The fastest way to turn those feelings around is to identify the certain but still important eventualities for each student and to inject some well-deserved celebration.

Reject the conditional, embrace the certain, and let your celebrations begin.

How to Raise an Adult: fall book tour

I’ve referred to few experts more frequently in the last 18 months than I have Julie-Lythcott Haims, former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford and author of How to Raise an Adult. She recently launched a fall book tour, and if you’re interested, here’s the full schedule of dates and locations. Note that some dates are dedicated to her other book, Real American, which is about an entirely different topic (I have heard wonderful things about that book, too, but have not read it).

If she isn’t speaking near you and you’d like to get better acquainted with her message, I highly recommend How to Raise an Adult and her popular TED Talk.

Prepare now to file your FAFSA

For students applying to college for the fall of 2019 term, the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) becomes available on October 1st. And while students have until the following spring to submit the form, according to the experts at savingforcollege.com, those who submit the application within the first three months after it becomes available are awarded twice as much grant money—that’s free money that does not need to be paid back—on average as those who submit the application later.

There are some helpful steps you can take now to get prepared for the October 1 opening, and  trusted guru Mark Kantrowitz offers an excellent guide to them here.

Grade yourself

At the end of every week, month, semester—your choice—give yourself an honest grade based on these metrics.

  • Did you bring your best effort to class?
  • Did you bring your best self to class?
  • Did you try to learn the material (that’s not necessarily the same thing as trying to get an “A”)?
  • Did you participate?
  • Did you present as if you were genuinely happy to be there?
  • Did you ask good questions?
  • Did you find ways to contribute that made the class better for the teacher and/or your fellow students?
  • And the most important one, are you proud of the grades you gave yourself?

Earning good grades from yourself keeps you focused on the parts you can control. And it’s the secret weapon to earning good grades from the teachers who give them to you.