Yesterday’s entry on the University of Virginia’s admissions blog, When the Trophy Generation Applies to College, relates a recent conversation with a waitlisted applicant’s mother who is having trouble eating and sleeping because her son still hasn’t received any good news. Turns out that he has, in fact, received good admissions news—just not any from “elite schools.”
Setting aside that she’s not only calling the school for her son (not recommended), but also seemingly forgetting that this is all happening to him, not to her, the conversation encapsulates how so many families are approaching this process in a way that piles on the pressure with maximum risk of disappointment.
Is all of his hard work and effort for naught just because the schools that deny almost all of their applicants said no?
Why can’t the family celebrate the schools that said yes?
Will he be doomed to a substandard life unless he comes off UVA’s waitlist?
I understand that it’s frequently the kids, not the parents, who set their own goals of attending a highly selective college. Many parents who react like she is reacting are disappointed for, not with, their kids.
But parents, please remember that in spite of your kids’ actions that might often reflect the contrary, you still have an enormous influence on them during the high school years, and there is a fine line between supporting and endorsing their goals to attend prestigious colleges.
If you’d like more specific advice on just how to do that, here are a few past posts:
One with a suggested pledge parents can make to college-bound kids.
Another on how to praise kids effectively.
And finally, one on the value of parent-introduced long-term perspective.
We can debate the pros and cons of raising a trophy generation where everyone gets a prize. But the opportunity to go to college at all is one occasion when every hardworking kid deserves points just for participating.