Dan Pink literally wrote the book on motivation. And he shares some easy-to-follow advice in this 90-second video, “How to give better feedback in just 19 words.”

And here’s a past post with some Pink advice on how to praise kids effectively.

The Gallup Organization broke new ground when they released First, Break all the Rules: What the World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently. Rather than set out to prove a management hypothesis, their researches spent a decade interviewing employees and managers to seek data-driven proof of what the world’s greatest managers had in common. And the most significant insight shared by tens of thousands of great managers boiled down to this:

“People don’t change that much. Don’t waste time trying to put in what was left out. Try to draw out what was left in. That is hard enough.”

Great managers know that there is a limit to how much they can mold or otherwise change someone. So instead, they try to capitalize on who the person already is. That’s why great managers don’t spend time trying to help people fix their weaknesses. They’d rather make more of the person’s existing strengths.

The book goes on to explain the nuances in applying that wisdom—for example, it does not suggest that managers should ignore people’s weaknesses or that all training is a waste of time. But the overarching wisdom applies nicely to high school kids going through the college admissions process, too.

People change a lot as they get older. I’ve never met an adult who claimed to be relatively unchanged since high school.

But is it likely that a student who has consistently struggled with math will morph into one who loves math and sets the curve?

Is it likely that a student who seems unmotivated by school will turn around and eagerly await the morning bell every day?

Is it likely that a shy student will become more outgoing—and enjoy their transformed state—just by sheer force of will or outside demand alone?

Will the student who prefers singing to sports ever thrive on the field or court?

Will the reserved but effective role-player enthusiastically seek out the prominent leadership positions and ultimately be both happy and successful in that role?

Like the best managers, I don’t suggest that parents or the students themselves resign themselves to the thinking that teens simply are who they are, with no room to grow or adapt. Inspiration and growth can come from many sources. But they can also arrive at different times. If those forces of change don’t present themselves in high school, they’ll arrive eventually, and likely at a time when the student is more open to them.

So students, keep working hard. Don’t give up on things that matter to you or to colleges. But don’t bemoan who you aren’t. Instead, channel your strengths and interests and anything else that lights you up into productive exploits. Don’t waste too much time trying to be like everyone else. Instead, spend time being the best version of who you already are.

And parents, remember that your teens are still growing, discovering, and finding who they are and what they will be. Their current trajectory may not fit the vision you had in mind. But attempts to reengineer their makeup and change who they are will only frustrate you and damage your relationship. Instead of fixing what you think is left out, appreciate, nurture, and encourage what’s already there.

It’s easier to make something of what’s already in than it is to replace something that’s left out.

Students, parents, counselors, teachers—most of us have had experience leading or working alongside someone who doesn’t exactly exude sunny positivity. It’s the complainer. It’s the one who’s always quick to point out why an idea won’t work. It’s the person who’s the first to place blame and the last to offer praise. As a leader, manager, or coworker, can you change that person? Can you get them to offer productive solutions instead of just counter-productive naysaying?

Two of the most prolific current thinkers and writers on the topic of management are Marcus Buckingham and Adam Grant. Coincidentally, both recently published some suggested solutions around this topic: Buckingham’s short video “How to Motivate a Negative Employee” and the Fast Company piece “Adam Grant Can Help You Coax Generosity Out Of Your Grumpiest Coworker.”

I can’t tell you how many college essays admissions officers read from students who claim to have either learned leadership lessons or come to appreciate the value of teamwork (sometimes they claim that appreciation of teamwork is the leadership lesson learned). What makes those essays cliché is the lack of detail. They insert the deep meaning into the story by asserting that they’ve learned or demonstrated an admirable trait, but without specific examples, the essays read just like all the others on the same topic.

Imagine the story you could tell if you’d motivated or otherwise improved the contributions of the negative person on your team. And even more importantly, imagine the broad impact you’d make if you were the person who could make that change.

That negative person just might be presenting an opportunity for the right leader, manager, coworker, or teammate.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady closes the final scene in his new documentary, Tom vs. Time, by posing three questions:

“What are we doing this for? Who are we doing this for? Why are we doing this?”

He goes on to say,

“You got to have the answers to those questions, and they have to be with a lot of conviction. When you lose your conviction, then you probably should be doing something else.”

While the questions left some Pats fans nervous that Tom might be losing his previous unrelenting commitment to football, it’s also possible that he was reaffirming his passion by reminding himself of the what, who, and why.

High school students, as you work hard to get into college, as you take the AP classes and prepare for the standardized tests and commit yourself to your various activities, it might be worth asking yourself those questions occasionally.

What are you doing this for? Are you doing it so you can get into a prestigious college? Are you doing it so you can find a place to pursue your love of history or journalism or mathematics? Are you doing it because you see college as a place where you can learn, grow, and discover your talents?

Who are you doing this for? Are you doing it for yourself because you want to drive your future and your education? Are you doing it for your family because they’ve sacrificed to give you this opportunity? Are you doing it out of a sense of competition with your classmates?

Why are you doing this? Is attending meetings for that club making you happy? Is it necessary to prep for the ACT a third time in the hopes of eking out another point or two? Are you losing sleep and giving up things that make you happy so that you can keep taking AP-everything?

I’m not suggesting that you should consider abandoning your college goals altogether. But I’ve found that too many high school students just start the race towards college without ever considering their reasons for running. Getting into college does not require the kind of fanatical devotion to one craft that being a professional athlete demands. But you should find a sense of meaning and purpose in what you’re doing. And one of the best ways to reaffirm, refuel, and even refocus your conviction is to occasionally ask yourself the what, who, and why.

As college decisions roll in this month, many students are experiencing a feeling they’ve never experienced before to a significant degree—failure. Getting a denial from your dream college is actually not a failure at all. You worked hard and should be commended for your efforts. But it can certainly feel like failure when all your effort and desire to attend just didn’t seem to pan out.

This is one of those times when advice you get today will actually be a lot more helpful in the future, but here it is. You will actually be better for this.

The high school universe of college preparation sets up a vision for teens where perfection, at least on paper, is actually attainable. Some students will complete the high school years having earned perfect grades, perfect test scores, and a list of accolades that demonstrates there really was no room for improvement.

But if even those seemingly perfect students decide to maintain their drive to be successful, they’ll eventually learn that perfection is not possible, and that failure is inevitable. That’s reality, not pessimism. Read the biography of just about any successful person in any field and it will include some failure along the way. And part of what makes someone successful is their ability to learn, regroup, and bounce back.

I know it’s disappointing not to get the admissions news you were hoping for. Nobody expects you to shake it off overnight (though if you can, please do!). But don’t beat yourself up. Don’t do an autopsy of your admissions process in an effort to discover what went wrong. Don’t second guess your essay topic or scold yourself for that B- in bio or regret that you didn’t sit for the SAT a fourth time. None of those things take you toward a productive outcome. And they just make you feel worse.

Instead, remind yourself how many of your college goals can be accomplished at those schools that said yes. Hold your head high, secure that your hard work will pay off no matter where you go. And most importantly, remember that experiencing this disappointment means that you’re part of a special group who sets and pursues goals even without the guarantee that you’ll reach them. That’s the mark of a successful person. And so is a productive reaction to this news.

Everyone who aims high occasionally falls short. Everyone also needs to learn how to respond productively when things don’t go as planned. If you receive disappointing news this month, consider it your crash course. That level of disappointment was going to happen for the first time at some point—you just got your first out of the way. Use it as your opportunity to learn, regroup, and bounce back. Wherever you go to college, if you can get those skills down, there will be no stopping you.

Whether you’re a student who needs help from a teacher, a counselor who’s navigating a conversation that’s more difficult than you’d anticipated, or a parent who’s facing conflict in your work or organization, start with, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

I must not be understanding this right.

I’m not doing a good job explaining this.

I should have told you more about this sooner.

Then ask for help.

Can you help me see what I’m missing?

How can I do a better job?

What information would be helpful for you to have before we go any further?

Now, you’ve changed the interaction. Instead of putting the other party on the defensive, you’re now inviting them to work towards a mutual resolution. And working together is easier than competing to win.

You might not, in fact, be at fault. But if you start by assuming that you are, it makes it easier for the other party to see that it just might be them.

Collegewise students will often ask some version of the question, “But what if I’m not the best?”

With so much measurement and comparison that’s become part of the college admissions process, it’s natural for students to look at every learning or activity pile and assume not only that whoever resides atop it must be the admissions shoo-in, but also that those further down the list have somehow come up short.

The reality? Not every student can be at the top of the class. Not everyone will be named the MVP, first chair violinist, or perennial debate tournament champion. Not everyone can be student body president or team captain or editor of the yearbook. Yes, colleges appreciate the work ethic and passion necessary to achieve. But honors, awards, and other accolades are just one way to show those traits. Another way is to be the role player that helps those groups succeed.

If you’ve often felt dejected about your admissions chances because your hard work doesn’t translate into the brag-worthy lines on a college application, I hope you’ll listen to “The Team of Humble Stars,” an episode of University of Pennsylvania professor Adam Grant’s podcast. His discussion of the role of, well, role-players will give you some encouraging insights that your contributions can be just as valuable when they’re part of a larger group’s success as they can when driving your individual achievement.

Every group needs role players. And they have the same opportunities to stand out if they play those roles well.

 

I received an unsolicited email from a graphic designer today. It had a bullet-pointed list of services he offers, from logo designs, to business cards, to brochures, websites and social media pages. It closed with an invitation to email him back if I’d like to get started.

An email like that is easy to delete, which is exactly what I did.

Why would a graphic designer rely on text alone to sell his services? He’s just telling me what he can do. Why not show me?

Even better than asking me to click over to your portfolio, which I have no emotional connection to, why not send me three mock-ups of what you would do if we worked together?

Here’s what I’d make your homepage look like.

Here’s the business card I’d create.

And here’s what I’d do with your logo to make it more appealing and memorable.

Had he done that, I could have seen the change he’d make. And if I liked what I saw, he’d have given me a problem. I now have to decide to either satisfy that interest by responding, or ignoring what’s enticing and choosing to stay with the status quo. Creating a problem like that for a potential customer—one where they can see the benefit and have to decide whether to engage or ignore it, is a good sales strategy.

The “show, don’t tell” method is an effective one for college applicants, too. Instead of  using the application to tell the reader about the important lessons you’ve learned and the appealing qualities you’ve displayed in high school, show them how those lessons and qualities have impacted, improved, or otherwise changed the people, projects, and organizations you’ve chosen to spend time with. You don’t need extra, unsolicited materials to do it. Just tell stories and be specific. That’s how you move from telling to showing within a college application.

If you’re an underclassman whose college applications are (thankfully) still in front of you, don’t worry about how you’ll pitch, package, or otherwise market yourself to schools. You are not a widget in need of a promotional strategy. You are a complex human being whose contributions can be compelling enough if you just have something to show.

“Will this look good to colleges?” is the wrong question to ask. Instead, start asking yourself, “What will I have to show for this?”

The more you have to show for it, the stronger applicant you’ll be.

College admissions advice can come at you from all sides when you’re going through the process. From fellow students and parents to self-professed experts (some legitimate, some dubious), it can be difficult to distinguish who you should listen to and who you should ignore.

Whether the admissions-related advice comes from a paid professional, a stranger you met at a dinner party, or someone in between, vet it by asking two questions:

1. Will they benefit from your following the advice, regardless of the outcome?

2. Will they share the responsibility for the outcome if the advice proves ineffective?

Those two questions alone may not be sufficient. But they’ll help you eliminate those folks who have everything to gain, and those who have nothing to lose.

The best advice comes from those who share the outcome with you.

I recall a B/C Collegewise student several years ago who in response to an essay prompt that asked him to describe his favorite activity wrote about the weekly poker nights he hosted at his house. What made the activity—and the essay—so great was not the poker, but the makeup of the group.

As he described it, the Friday poker nights were made up of kids who otherwise never intersected in the high school social circles. I still remember my favorite paragraph:

“Everyone is welcome at Poker Night. The only thing we shun are the roles we play at school. Jocks, band geeks, lefty vegans, brainiacs, the weird kid who wears shorts in the middle of winter, they join us. If you like cards and you have ten bucks, take a seat and we’ll deal you in. That’s why I want to spend some Friday nights in college playing cards in the dorm. I want to pull up a seat next to people I wouldn’t normally be sitting next to.”

What a wonderful sentiment. And what a great picture to paint in the minds of the admissions committee—the kid who will bring others together around the card table.

He was admitted to and later attended a school that was a reach for him at the time—UC Riverside.

Don’t assume that traditionally impressive activities are the only way to get colleges to appreciate you. There’s room for the nice kid who brings people together, too, even if he does so at poker night.