The Gallup Organization broke new ground when they released First, Break all the Rules: What the World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently. Rather than set out to prove a management hypothesis, their researches spent a decade interviewing employees and managers to seek data-driven proof of what the world’s greatest managers had in common. And the most significant insight shared by tens of thousands of great managers boiled down to this:
“People don’t change that much. Don’t waste time trying to put in what was left out. Try to draw out what was left in. That is hard enough.”
Great managers know that there is a limit to how much they can mold or otherwise change someone. So instead, they try to capitalize on who the person already is. That’s why great managers don’t spend time trying to help people fix their weaknesses. They’d rather make more of the person’s existing strengths.
The book goes on to explain the nuances in applying that wisdom—for example, it does not suggest that managers should ignore people’s weaknesses or that all training is a waste of time. But the overarching wisdom applies nicely to high school kids going through the college admissions process, too.
People change a lot as they get older. I’ve never met an adult who claimed to be relatively unchanged since high school.
But is it likely that a student who has consistently struggled with math will morph into one who loves math and sets the curve?
Is it likely that a student who seems unmotivated by school will turn around and eagerly await the morning bell every day?
Is it likely that a shy student will become more outgoing—and enjoy their transformed state—just by sheer force of will or outside demand alone?
Will the student who prefers singing to sports ever thrive on the field or court?
Will the reserved but effective role-player enthusiastically seek out the prominent leadership positions and ultimately be both happy and successful in that role?
Like the best managers, I don’t suggest that parents or the students themselves resign themselves to the thinking that teens simply are who they are, with no room to grow or adapt. Inspiration and growth can come from many sources. But they can also arrive at different times. If those forces of change don’t present themselves in high school, they’ll arrive eventually, and likely at a time when the student is more open to them.
So students, keep working hard. Don’t give up on things that matter to you or to colleges. But don’t bemoan who you aren’t. Instead, channel your strengths and interests and anything else that lights you up into productive exploits. Don’t waste too much time trying to be like everyone else. Instead, spend time being the best version of who you already are.
And parents, remember that your teens are still growing, discovering, and finding who they are and what they will be. Their current trajectory may not fit the vision you had in mind. But attempts to reengineer their makeup and change who they are will only frustrate you and damage your relationship. Instead of fixing what you think is left out, appreciate, nurture, and encourage what’s already there.
It’s easier to make something of what’s already in than it is to replace something that’s left out.