Madeline Levine is a psychologist who works with teens and a founder at Challenge Success. In her book, Teach Your Children Well: Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More than Grades, Trophies, or ‘Fat Envelopes’, she uses a great visual to prevent over-parenting, one that every parent can identify with.
Toddlers learn to walk by first taking a few steps and then falling down. You don’t criticize the toddlers when they fall. You don’t worry that the falling will somehow hold them back in the future. You don’t eliminate the falls by resolving to transport them yourself from Point A to Point B forever. You just let the child keep trying. After enough falling (and parental encouragement), the toddler eventually stays upright and forges ahead. Lesson learned. No over-parenting necessary.
It turns out that falling and getting back up, in all its literal and figurative forms, is how kids continue to develop. But as toddlers become teens, many parents start to worry that the stakes are higher. Instead of letting the kids trip and fall, some parents start jumping in and taking over things that kids can do for themselves (or can almost do for themselves, the same way that toddlers can almost walk on their own). From choosing activities, to talking with teachers about grades, to even writing essays and filling out college applications, when you remove the opportunities for falling, you also remove the opportunities for learning.
No sane person would accuse a parent who stops their toddler from falling down a flight of stairs of over-parenting. But as kids become teens, I imagine that it must often be difficult for parents to discern an opportunity for learning from a potentially catastrophic fall. Just remember that GPAs, test scores, and admissions decisions from colleges don’t inflict bodily harm. When in doubt, as long as there’s no risk to their health or safety, ask yourself if this is something your teen can do—or can almost do—for themselves. If so, let them try on their own. They may not succeed the first time. But in those cases, falling is the surest route to learning.