Julie Lythcott-Haims is certainly qualified to advise on what it takes to help kids become successful during and after college. She’s a former dean of freshmen at Stanford and the author of How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. In this Quora piece, she doesn’t just answer the question, “What are the skills that every 18-year-old needs?”  She also points out how well-meaning parents often hinder those lessons by helping or hovering too much.

College admissions pressure makes a lot of good parents worry that their kids will fall behind unless pushed. But all that effort to help them achieve, to sweep away all the obstacles, and to protect them from disappointment—it often leaves those same kids unprepared to handle their own lives once they finally leave for college.

Parents, please don’t view her list of skills as yet another college-related outcome you have to worry about and drive forward. In fact, the fastest way for teens to develop these traits is for parents to step back, support from the sidelines, and allow your kids to do more for themselves.

And students, remember that you have to earn that trust and freedom. Your boss will never put you in charge of a big project unless you’ve demonstrated that you’re ready for it. If you want your parents to step back, show them you’re ready to step up.

And here are a few similar lists of my own, one from 2009, and another from 2010.