I keep seeing news stories about helicopter parents hovering over their college grads’ job searches, from ghost-writing cover letters, to following up after resumes have been sent, to actually showing up at the interview with their kids. I’m usually sympathetic to even the most highly-strung parents because it’s not an easy job. But the day you show up uninvited to your kid’s job interview is the day you have officially derailed.
Part of a student’s growth and maturation means learning to survive without Mom and Dad managing everything that’s important. If your student is in high school, start training for independence now. Don’t wait until he’s a 22 year-old adult college graduate heading to a job interview. The transition will only get harder the longer you wait.
Here are a few simple first steps parents can take during the high school years:
1. Don’t email the teacher when your student is struggling in class. Encourage your student to do this herself.
2. Don’t call the counselor when your student wants to change her course schedule. Encourage your student to do this himself.
3. Don’t attempt to shield your kids from every possible disappointment. It’s not your job as a parent to ensure that your student gets everything he wants all the time. Sometimes kids don’t get the grades, awards, or offers of college admissions they’d hoped for. Guess what? It won’t be the last time. Occasional disappointment and even failure is a normal part of even the most successful peoples’ lives. Learning how to learn from it and forge ahead is an important lesson for kids to learn now.
4. Don’t call the volunteer coordinator at the hospital, research summer programs, or sell all the candy for the hockey team’s fundraiser. These are kids’ jobs, not yours. You can guide, encourage, and answer questions, but don’t jump in and take care of these things for your kids.
5. Praise behaviors, not results. If your student studies like crazy for a calculus test and gets a C+, take a minute to acknowledge how much effort he put into studying. The pressure of college admissions makes some families focus solely on the GPA, test score, or other measurable result. But that just teaches many kids that trying and failing is no worse than not trying at all. And that’s not going to breed independent success in your student. Praise the right behaviors and your kids will be more likely to repeat them without your help.
I know this is hard for some parents, especially if you see your friends’ kids seemingly getting ahead on the efforts of Mom and Dad. But those families are in for a painful reality at some point—the world doesn’t reward kids who are overly dependent on their parents.
katiegate says
You have derailed!
Shut up Richard.