My neighbors—both full-time working parents—have a daughter in kindergarten. While visiting their house this week, I watched as their five-year-old sat patiently at the dinner table while her mother painstakingly crafted a stack of valentines.
Apparently, the kindergarten class’s forthcoming Valentine’s Day celebration came with the following requirements. Not only did the students need to bring individual Valentine’s Day cards for every student in the class, but the cards were also mandated to be:
Inscribed with personal messages complimenting each individual student.
And the school had just announced those requirements the week of the celebration.
I’m not an expert in kindergarten-level skills, but what five-year-old could actually create and produce customized cards for 25 students without significant parent involvement? As her mother calmly but frustratingly put it:
“This is pretty much a homework assignment for the parents.”
I understand the thinking behind the assignment. No student should feel left out on Valentine’s Day if the class is going to celebrate. It’s a nice sentiment for each student to express something positive about each of their classmates. And there’s nothing wrong with projects that kindergarten kids and their parents can work on together. That comes with the parenting job.
But this five-year-old, who apparently loves Valentine’s Day by the way, was bored and ready to move on no matter how much her mother created and encouraged opportunities to participate in the project. It had been several hours already and the project had long lost its appeal.
I write often here about the need for parents of high school kids to step back, to give your kids the space to do for themselves those things they’re capable of doing without your help. Those parents who continuously hover, manage, and otherwise run their kids’ lives aren’t preparing them for the independence of college.
But this Valentine’s Day card mandate reminded me that even well-intentioned parents might be trained early in their kids’ schooling to get involved because that seems to be what’s expected. If the assignments for your five-year-old require you to manage or even to complete them, how is a parent supposed to recognize when that involvement is no longer necessary when the assignments only get more advanced and more time-consuming as kids progress through school?
And even more troubling, why wouldn’t kids continue to expect or even depend on their parents’ help if the standard is set so early?
My best advice for parents: With each project, ask yourself if this is something your student can do. Then adapt your role to accommodate the “Yes.” Give them as much room or opportunity as you can to do the parts they’re able to complete, even if it means the end result won’t be perfect.
My advice for teachers and schools is largely the same. With each assignment, ask yourself, “Is this something a student can do?” If your answer is “Yes,” including one that will challenge kids to reach a little higher than they might think they can, give them a chance to learn, grow, and surprise themselves.
But if the answer is “No,” if your instincts and experience tell you that the assignment will rely more on parents than it does students, change the assignment until you find the “Yes.”