If you ask someone on a date and they decline, does that necessarily mean that you couldn’t have been good together? Does it mean that you have nothing to offer or that you just aren’t datable at all? No. It just means that based on the limited information on hand and the imperfect art of dating decisions, they didn’t see the fit that you saw. A confident person has to move on and embrace that clichéd but ultimately true saying that there are plenty of fish in the sea. And being a good, interesting, compelling person just increases the chances of getting a bite later.
What about the working professional who interviews for a position at a different company but doesn’t get the gig? Does that mean they weren’t qualified? Does it mean that if given a chance, they never could have done the job, maybe even as well as or better than the person who got picked? Does it mean they can’t be successful somewhere else? Of course not. Cover letters and resumes and job interviews have their limitations. Unless the company had a trial period where job-seekers could actually try the role for 3-6 months, there’s no way for a person in charge to know with absolute certainty who the right—or wrong—person is. It’s not a perfect system. And the smart, hard-working, accomplished professional has reason to keep the faith that they’ll end up at a place that’s right for them.
College admissions works the same way.
Colleges that require nothing more than transcripts and test scores are close to a meritocracy where the highest numbers win. But all those other schools that look at some combination of other things like activities, awards and honors, essays, letters of rec, or interviews are making more complex decisions. And especially at those schools that have to turn away many more applicants than they accept, deciding who gets a yes and who gets a no is difficult.
Some families think it’s random—a crapshoot at best. It’s not. In fact, admissions officers work very hard to fairly and thoroughly evaluate every applicant. But it’s a complex and sometimes imperfect process. Like dating and job-hunting, decisions that sting can be hard to take. They can feel bitterly personal. But the confident student has to believe enough in herself to know that a denial from one school is not an indictment of her accomplishments, a statement about her potential, or an indicator that she won’t be successful someplace else.
Students who are applying to college, I know it can feel intimidating and even unfair to package up your high school life into applications that could never fully encapsulate you, then leave the decisions of where you get in and don’t to people who have never met you and could never possibly understand everything about what you have to offer.
But you should keep the faith in two things.
First, remember that most admissions officers are, by nature, good people who work very hard to treat applicants with respect. They would much rather admit than deny you. And even when their realities dictate that they have to turn away students who are qualified and could absolutely do the work, they’ll make every effort to give you a fair and thorough read before they reach a decision.
And more importantly, remember that like dating, job searching, and other scenarios where other people make choices about you, they only get to control this one decision. They don’t get to control what you do next, where you do it, or whom you do it with.
Those decisions are the important ones. And those decisions are all yours.