Back in 2004, I sent a book proposal to a literary agent. Three weeks later, she sent me a very polite letter of decline and an invitation to resubmit it with some suggested changes. But the way she closed the letter taught me something.

“Of course, if you elect not to send it back, I would be disappointed, but would completely understand.”

That closing line left me a polite and easy out. If I chose to decline, I didn’t have to feel guilty about it. I wouldn’t need to send an awkward explanation. I almost didn’t even need to reply. It was the nicest possible way for her to say, “I’ll be fine, with or without you.” And it somehow made me feel good at the same time.

Since then, I’ve used some version of that closing whenever I’m asking for something, especially from someone I don’t know.

I’m currently hard at work building a series of online courses as part of our 2016 initiative to train high school counselors.

I’ve never built an online course, but I’ve taken several from one particular instructor I really admire. It turns out that he has a producer who helps him with everything from building the course, to managing the film crew, to editing the videos. She has a full-time job already, but I wondered if she might be willing to meet with me by phone and maybe share some of the valuable insight I’m sure she’s gained while doing this.

I sent her a polite email, explained what I was doing and how I was hoping she could help, and then signed off, “And while I’d love to chat, if the answer is no, I’d be disappointed but would completely understand.”

She said yes, and we’re speaking by phone tonight.

High school students need to show initiative to be successful getting into college. You might have to ask a teacher for letters of recommendation. You might have to ask a coach, advisor, or mentor for help or guidance. You might have to ask someone you don’t know for assistance with an opportunity that interests you. Asking for what you want or need is a good instinct as long as you’re polite and you can show that you deserve the help.

But part of being polite in these scenarios means not putting the other person in an uncomfortable position. Show you understand that “no” is not only a possible answer, but also an acceptable one. Don’t put the recipient in the awkward position of having to defend his or her choice. A simple “…I’d be disappointed, but would completely understand” (or something like it) is all it takes.

(While I never did resend that book proposal, thankfully, eight years later, I wrote a much better book.)