When I was in a fraternity in college, there were always a few fully-fledged brothers who went out of their way to give new pledges a particularly hard time, complete with the stereotypical hazing and screaming and generally doing whatever they could do to make the new guys’ lives miserable. When you’re a pledge, you hate those few guys. You commiserate with your fellow plebes about it. And you dream of the day you’re finally initiated when you no longer have to take guff from the few jerks in the organization.

That’s why I never understood why so many newly initiated brothers turned around and repeated the exact same behavior they’d only recently loathed when it was directed at them.

One of the most effective ways to get something good out of an otherwise unpleasant experience is to resolve to do things differently if and when you’re in a situation to do so. Empathy is an innate skill in many people. But it can also be learned by recalling how a person, organization, or experience made you feel.

How did it feel when those students gave you a hard time for being the new kid at school?

How did it feel when those in your club wouldn’t even listen to your new idea?

How did it feel when your friend made those disparaging comments about you?

How did it feel when your boss at your part-time job treated you unfairly?

How did it feel when the person you asked for help wouldn’t return your phone call?

Every one of those situations is unpleasant. You may not have been able to control what happened. But you can control whether or not you repeat the treatment to someone else.

Learned empathy pays you back long after the original experience cost you some pain.