If you’re in charge, is it your job to tell them what to do, or to help them already know what to do?

When I started Collegewise, it was just me, driving to families’ homes and meeting at the kitchen tables. As the business grew, I hired additional counselors to join me. And when I did, I created version 1.0 of our Collegewise training program. It was 40 hours long and had a two-part final exam.

And yet after all that training, most counselors, even those who came in with more admissions experience than I had, would still ask me questions, like how to handle difficult situations with families, how to arrange a particular student’s list, or how to decide between two potential essay topics a student was considering. I tried to answer them helpfully and cheerfully. In fact, I enjoyed the exchanges. It feels good to know the answers!

But I learned quickly that answering questions just invited more questions in the future. I thought I was being a helpful manager, always making myself available. But what I was really doing was training these gifted, wonderful counselors to run their questions through me. It took a lot of my time, but it wasn’t making them better at their jobs, and it wasn’t teaching them anything. It wasn’t a good system for either of us.

So I made just one change. Instead of saying, “Here’s what to do,” I’d just ask, “What do you think you should do?”

That one question would change the entire interaction. Instead of waiting to be told what to do, they had to think through the situation, use their best judgment, and actually make the call right there in my office. If they were right, it built their confidence. If they were wrong (which they almost never were), we could discuss it and they would learn from it. Sometimes they’d even present a better solution that I hadn’t thought of. But no matter what happened, each interaction made them smarter, more confident, counselors.

The resulting exchanges were so much more valuable, for them and for me. And not surprisingly, it didn’t take long before they rarely had to ask at all.

This works in many areas other than college counseling. I just finished Turn the Ship Around!: A True Story of Turning Followers into Leaders. It’s the story of US Navy Admiral David Marquet’s appointment to command the USS Santa Fe, a nuclear powered submarine that at the time had the very worst performance record in the navy. Marquet’s most significant change was to teach the crew members not to wait for his orders, but instead to tell him, “Captain, I intend to…” They had to think through a situation, make a decision, and present their intentions. Marquet used each interaction as a teaching moment to turn followers into confident leaders.

Parents, you can use a similar approach with your kids as you train them for the independence they’ll need to be successful in college and life. The next time your student brings a problem to you, whether it’s a struggle in a class, a conflict with a coach, or any challenge they’ve typically turned to you to solve, try asking, “What do you think you should do?” You might be surprised how quickly they learn to find their own way to good solutions.

“What do you think you should do” is not meant to be dismissive, but to invite discussion, learning, and maybe even collaboration. When the person asking must think through the problem and make a decision, but can do so knowing that they have the safety net of someone more experienced to prevent a costly mistake, they’ll get better at seeing the best path themselves.

If you’re in charge—at work, at school, at home, etc.—try asking your people, “What do you think you should do?” They’ll be more successful when they go beyond taking orders and start taking responsibility.