Symptoms of the escalating arms race for admission to prestigious colleges take many forms. They can ruin what should be an exciting time for every college-bound student. They can bring tension and frustration to the entire family. In the most unfortunate cases, they can be unbelievably sad or even tragic.
These symptoms might make sense if the reality were that a decision from a prestigious college alone determined a student’s future life trajectory, earning power, and happiness. But we don’t live in that reality.
You will never meet an adult whose life trajectory was derailed by a single admissions denial from a dream college. Even the most disappointing admissions results are usually distant memories once those students who received them move into a dorm and start life at a college that had the good sense to say yes. And as I’ve written here hundreds of times, what a student does in college will be much more important than the relative prestige of the college where he or she does it.
So what is all the pressure for? What are we so afraid of? What exactly do we think will happen if Harvard or Brown or Northwestern says no?
In most cases, it’s the approach to the process—not the final admissions outcomes—that causes nearly all of our college admissions maladies.
A student’s education deserves to be taken seriously. I don’t have a problem with a world where kids set goals and work hard to achieve them.
But if you or your kids think that an offer of admission from a college that denies almost all of its applicants is the only goal worth setting, the only acceptable reward for a student’s hard work, and the only path to a happy and successful life, at best, you’ll be in for a tense, anxious journey to admission. And at worst (and statistically, more likely), you’re setting yourself up for admissions disappointment.
No irreparable damage will be done if a college says no. So why not encourage kids to work hard, treat people right, and take ownership of their college process—then step back and relax knowing that good kids who work hard will always find their way?
You can’t completely control the college admissions outcomes. But you can control the process. So if you’re not enjoying your ride to college, maybe it’s time to get off that ride and choose a different one?