Some common college admissions behaviors are guaranteed to induce stress for even the best parents. Here are my top five. Consider these my recommended “don’ts” during this process.
1. Lose all perspective.
Treat the college admissions process like Navy SEAL training where only the strongest, highest achieving, most unrelentingly resilient can hope to survive and advance. Inject lots of fear and drama into the process. After all, everyone who’s happy and successful today got straight A’s, perfect test scores, and admissions offers from prestigious colleges back in high school. Remember the relative prestige of your kids’ college admissions results is a perfect reflection of your success or failure as a parent—all your love and hard work can be erased by just one college rejection from a dream school. Never forget that everything is on the line, all the time.
2. Ignore strengths—fix those (perceived) weaknesses.
Sure, you have a nice kid who likes her job at the daycare and is nice to her younger brother. But five A’s and one B on a report card? Better get a tutor and raise that B! Vacation, shmacation—put her in full-time SAT prep this summer until you’re in the range for Dartmouth. Great work in school musical, but no leadership positions? Force her to run for office in something, whether or not she actually wants to. Remember, adults don’t have weaknesses, only strengths. Teach your kids early on that the only way to get by is to excel at everything. You’ll successfully ratchet up the pressure in your house until the whole family needs sleep-aids.
3. Turn this into a status competition with other parents.
When you talk to other parents, whenever possible, compare your students’ college admissions stats like grades, test scores, and number of volunteer hours completed. Students need to know that this process isn’t just about them—it’s about representing your entire family at dinner parties. There’s no need to focus on all the reasons you love your kids or to bond over the shared trials of parenting your teen. Ignore all other potentially pleasant topics of conversation until your kids are in (a prestigious) college.
4. Take over the process for your student.
He’s seventeen, so he’ll probably screw it up anyway. Best to continuously do things for your student that he can do himself. Initiate all discussions with teachers and counselors—he doesn’t need to know how to interact with adults. Choose the colleges. Complete the applications. Heck, just write the essays, or at the very least, suggest your own topics as seen through the parenting lens. Sure, you have plenty to do already and your student needs to learn these skills before college. But refer back to rule #1—this is an all-or-nothing time. No reasonable sacrifice of boundaries or sanity is too great in the pursuit of any Ivy League admission.
5. Resolve not to enjoy this time.
Yes, you love your kid and you enjoyed her childhood birthday parties as much as the next parent. But the fun is over now, for her and for you. This is college admissions, after all, and if something can go wrong, it will. All of your college hopes and dreams are riding on this, so it’s best to hold off on any positivity or fun until she’s gainfully employed and taking care of you one day.
Parents, you have a hard job, one that comes without an operations manual. I write this blog to help you and your kids enjoy a more successful, less stressful college admissions process, as I believe this should be an exciting time for every family. If you’ve made (or are making) any of these mistakes above, that’s OK. It comes from a good place of wanting the best for your kids (which is every parent’s job). But I hope you’ll see through my sarcasm of don’ts above that much of the anxiety is self-induced, and that there’s plenty you can do to make this a more enjoyable time for your family.