I run Collegewise with my friend and mentor, Paul. I’ve written before that one of the best contributions he brings to any discussion is his exceptionally good listening. He works to understand someone’s point, usually by asking good questions and listening very carefully to the responses. He’s initially more interested in understanding than he is in staking a position of his own.
But I’ve also noticed that he learns by asking non-loaded questions at the right times.
A loaded question has more weight than meets the ear, often putting the listener on the defensive. Asking someone, “Don’t you think people will hate the shorter format you’re proposing?” is a loaded question because it can be interpreted as not a question at all, but a way of expressing your disapproval of the idea.
You can make the language more neutral by doing two things:
1. Seek to understand the other person’s point of view even if you don’t initially agree with it.
2. Make it clear in your question that you don’t yet know the answer (this won’t work without #1).
So the loaded question above might be rephrased:
“Do you think people will like the shortened format, or will they miss having the information? I’m asking because I don’t know the answer.”
Now the responder is being invited to engage in a conversation rather than defend her position in an argument.
Paul has even used this to generate thoughtful discussion about an idea that he’s proposing. When pitching a new way of doing something recently, he asked us, “Does my idea make sense, or is it unreasonable? I’m asking because I don’t know.”
When you can listen well and show that you’re genuinely interested in others’ points of view, you’re a welcome addition to any discussion. And people will be a lot more likely to listen in return.