A message (and some encouragement) for over-involved parents

I've written a lot about how over-involved parents can actually hijack the college admissions process from their kids, a mistake that can hurt their students' chances of getting into college.  And one of our core beliefs at Collegewise is that kids need to step up and take ownership of their own college process. 

But today's entry on The Choice blog, "How Difficult Parents Look from the Counselor's Side of the Desk," actually made me feel bad for the moms and dads they were describing.  If I put myself in those parents' shoes, I'd be angry and maybe a little bit hurt that the counselors are venting about how awful I am.  So today, I'm really trying to see this from the parents' perspective. 

I can imagine how it must feel for these parents, parents who are trying their best to help their kids through something as important as college admissions, to be told that they're doing too much, that they're actually hurting their children, and that both counselors and colleges will resent them for it.

If you fit the description of an over-involved parent of a college-bound student, first of all, I think you deserve some acknowledgment that you're a good parent.  You're worried about your kid and you're doing everything you can to help your student through what has become an unnecessarily stressful and complicated process.  Lots of students who don't have supportive parents would welcome some parental over-involvement in their lives (as this student commented).  

But given that you just want this process to go well for your kids, here are a few reasons why I still encourage you to step back and let your student take charge.

1.  Once kids go to college, they'll need to take care of themselves, handle their own problems, and manage their lives. And you'll need to accept that no matter how much you may want to, you're not going to be there to take care of everything for them.  The college application process is the time when you should both be getting comfortable with those new roles, not staying put in your old ones.    

2.  Over-involved parents tend to produce passive or absent college applicants.  I know that sounds critical of your parenting, but when parents pick the colleges, the students don't have answers to the "Why are you applying here?" questions.  When parents fill out the applications and get too involved with the essays, the kids' voices disappear.  Colleges want students who are fully-engaged in determining their college futures.  When parents take charge, kids disengage.

3. As well-intentioned as your help is, a lot of kids will take it as a sign that you don't believe they're competent or mature enough to handle their college application process on their own.  I don't even think that most overly-involved parents actually believe that, but your teenager may not be able to make that distinction.   

Parenting a college applicant isn't easy.  And forcing yourself to be less involved is the opposite of the parental instinct for a lot of moms and dads.  Still, that's what your kids (and their future colleges), need you to do.  While you try to make the adjustment, maybe the rest of us can try to be a little less judgmental.